Win or Lose - Your Confidence Game Plan

I started working at my dad’s Dairy Queen when I was 12 years old. I could barely see over the counter-top, but I could wait on customers with a smile, keep the seating area immaculate, and make Dilly Bars, Ice Cream Sandwiches and Buster Bars from scratch.

Today, Dairy Queen’s mission is “To create positive memories for all who touch DQ,” and I certainly have many positive and fun memories of working at DQ in small-town America, including countless families and school busses full of team members who would stop by to celebrate a win. Interestingly I don’t recall families or teams coming to DQ when they lost.

Fast forward to my first two years as a student-athlete at New Mexico State, before I transferred to the University of Oklahoma. Our golf coach treated us differently when we played well versus when we didn't. For example, the better we played, the nicer the restaurant we went to.

To be clear, I am NOT suggesting that we celebrate regardless of how we play. What I am proposing is that we become more intentional about where we go, what we say, and how we encourage kids and team members whether they win or lose. In doing so, we can purposefully help them separate WHO THEY ARE from WHAT THEY DO, which can decrease fear of failure and increase confidence, skill development, and a healthy mindset.

DEVELOPING YOUR CONFIDENCE GAME PLAN

(1)   Where do you go?

Go to Dairy Queen (or your place of choice) regardless of whether you win or lose. The key is to be consistent in how you reward not only outcomes, but the effort that kids invest both during practice and competition. 

(2)   What do you say?

After every performance, let your kids/players know how much you loved/ enjoyed watching them play.

More specifically, ask younger kids if they tried their hardest. If they say “yes,” then praise them for their effort. If they say “no,” then ask what it would look like if they tried their hardest next time.

 Ask older kids to rate their effort, attitude, focus, or anything else under their control on a scale of 1-10, 1-5 stars, etc. Have a conversation around what they would think, act, say, or do differently to increase their “effort rating.”

(3)   How do you encourage or motivate kids?

While we know the most effective motivation comes from within, as a parent or coach you play an important role in helping kids stay motivated by creating environments where they not only have fun, but also continue to develop their skills. Be sure to remind them that they are not there YET. As Vincent Van Gogh said:

“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

 Ask questions like:

• What is one thing you want to improve or do better next time?

• When will you practice this?

• Who will you ask for help?

• How will this impact your confidence?

Also, be sure to occasionally check-in on their passion for their sport or activity. Ask questions such as:

• Why is most fun about playing, or participating in, _____?

• What is one thing you could do this week to have more fun when you are practicing or playing?

Be thoughtful about when you initiate this conversation. The day after a game or performance - rather than immediately following - is typically better timing for a more in-depth reflective conversation.

Through intentionality about where you go, what you say, and how you encourage kids, you can help them build their confidence and continue to improve whether they win or lose.